Communication

*Once again this can be viewed as passive aggressive

Ok. Alright. Let's go. I don't even know where to begin. I have so much going on in my head right now, it just might explode.

First, I've been having these fantastic dreams that Cody is still alive. He's been hiding out in his grandma's basement for the past year hanging out with his cousins. When I get there I'm so excited. We play Barbie video games together but I'm so pissed at Chad because he knew the entire time that he really wasn't dead and he never told me. Then I wake up. I'm so happy and excited (angry at Chad) that Cody is alive. I believe it. Once it hits me that it was just a dream, I try to go back to bed even though I know if I manage to fall asleep I won't return to that dream. So this dream is sort of like my dream that he was just in Spain. I love seeing him in dreams but I wish I would wake up happy because I saw him, not happy because I think he really is alive.

I've been thinking a lot lately about moving (as if you couldn't tell). I'm getting organized, blah blah blah. I've been thinking about my relationships in Utah. You can tell from my last blog that I'm having a hard time with certain "relationships"... Starting now I'm going to focus energy on the people I know that want to spend time with me. I've been taking some of these people for granted lately. I really I hope they know who they are. My depression as been a little bitch for the past three months and I haven't wanted any company beside my own so I've pushed some people away. Some of those people have went off and forgotten about me, which I don't hold against them. If I had to put up with moody Jacqueline, I'd probably walk away too. But it's those damn people I can't shake who I know are my real friends. I need to focus my attention on them. They will be able to withstand the 2,500 miles that will be between us in 72 days.

Next. I need to work on communication. Personal communication. I need to express my feeling towards others. Others that are my friends. I have such a hard time with that. I let stuff build up. Then it blows up. Which is bad! I say and tell myself I don't care what my friends (others) think of me but I really do. I think too much. Too much that I live my life for others. I think about what so and so would say about my opinion (action, feelings). I hate myself for thinking that way. I should care what others think of me but not so it cripples me. I've lost a lot of close friends in my lifetime which I believe has caused a fear of loss...

Thanks for reading. I promise the next blog will be a happy one. No venting!